The subject of my TED talk

Recently over a family dinner with my father we talked about TED (www.ted.com) and what would be the subject of my talk if I was to present. I answered right away because I had been thinking about it (not TED, but what was really important to me and why). As background, over the last couple of years I have lost some people in my life that were important to me which really got me thinking about life in general. The topic I would speak about would be the importance of the present moment and the finality of death. Let me start in reverse order - the finality of death.

For the living, death is the end of that person. As time pass on, it becomes harder and harder to remember people. To remember their scent, to remember the sound of their voice, to remember their presence when they walked up to you – it all fades away. It is also so permanent. It is done, no second chances, no one last talk. The survivors will remember all of the discussions and the changes they wished they could have made – but there is no one on the other end. For the most part, we live our lives not thinking about “is this the last time I am going to see so in so?” We interact with people as if there are guarantees to make it all better – but there are not. I had one of my best friends get really drunk at a concert. He demonstrated behavior that I had never seen from him. We did not talk to each other for two months afterwards because of the stress of that event. He finally called me up to say he was sorry, and to say that was the reason why he cannot drink (he was a former alcoholic). He said that he wanted to see me soon and we agreed to get together in the coming weeks. He took his life two days later by hanging himself. He had planned the event out by moving all of his possessions into a storage facility and writing a note to his sister which he had on him. I never got the chance to ask him why or tell him how important of a person he was to me. The music just stopped, never to be played again. I think about this subject all the time. When it comes to death, there are no second chances. My wife and daughter now kiss each other every time we part - in a very subtle way to ensure that if this is the last time we see each other it ended on a good note. It is one of the ways that I rationalize the here and now. In closing, the saying I hold close to me for my spiritual side is “death is good for your practice.” It means when you can understand death you can appreciate life.

This is a good transition point to the other part of my imaginary TED speech - the importance of the present moment. Time is only a measurement of distance. Just like there really is no past or future in life and death, only the present moment. You cannot promise the future nor can you change the past – you only can manage the present. Think about it – you only can manage the present. The past is already done, just a memory. The future is dynamic with no guarantee. You could not wake up tomorrow, and there is no way of knowing that today. Whether or not we agree on this subject is not important, what is important is what are you doing about the present to make the best of it?

Let me describe it in different terms – what would you do differently if you discovered today that you only have six months to live? Would you go to work tomorrow, the next day or month? If it was six years versus six months – would you have the same profession or would you work for something that you really believed in? Would you allow yourself to fight with your loved ones – would it even matter? Wake up, the moment is everything. Change is really hard, I know from personal experience (I only wish I had …). It requires direction, desire, discipline and execution to mention a few critical attributes. G.I. Gurdjieff believed that the only way one could implement lifetime changes was the requirement of a major shock to your present life (e.g. death of a loved one, major health risk, etc…). I just had a good friend of mine call me to explain how he survived a major heart attack while he was at the hospital (good fortune for him). He quit his job and started one that he always wanted to do. He called his direction 2.0 – it made me smile. I smiled that he was here and that he recognized a new beginning – one which was based on improving his life.

In closing, this is my imaginary TED speech. It is what I think is really important. I know that not all or any of it is common knowledge or accepted beliefs – but it is what I believe. Life is the here and now so don’t travel through it with your eyes closed. Know that every decision you make is just that – a decision. Live your life to your fullest potential. My challenge to myself as a result of writing this down is to change one thing in my current life that I want to improve. It is personal, so I will not share it here – but I am actively working on it. :-)

Penmachine - Derek K. Miller

Penmachine - Derek K. Miller
Interesting article written by a cancer patient with terminal cancer about his last thought - posted after his death. Very sober but insightful thoughts.

And I thank you life

I was talking to a friend yesterday who is losing her grandmother and it caused me to think about how fragile our lives are with no guarantees and how thankful I am to have such a fortunate life. I was born into a silver spoon live with loving parents, family and family friends to support me. My parents worked hard and were modestly successful. My mother was able to be a stay at home mother and care for us each and every day. For the most part we avoided major sickness or crisis. I grew up being confident as a result of a loving family – not fearing what the world had in store for me. I avoided the major mistakes as I grew up. I was able to venture off of the reservation knowing where the boundaries were and where not to go. I watched some of my high school friends make poor choices and over time we went our own separate ways. I was able to survive high school, enjoy junior college and get serious about my life in college. I did not attend an Ivy League college but that did not get in my way in learning how to learn. I was able to right my life direction in a positive way and enjoy my work. And I thank you…
I met some great people along the way that really shaped my future. I found a spiritual teacher that opened my awareness to work on myself. I had other great influencers in high school who stamped me with their values and helped make me the man that I grew up to be. And best of all I dated some terrific women who forced me to mature and be responsible. I was fortunate to listen and learn along the way of the best of the best wisdom that was shared with me. I was also able to see some of my largest weaknesses and humbly try to improve myself. I loved hard - enjoyed and remorse in the lessons that having a relationship brought to me – all shaping and molding me into a well traveled person. And I thank you…
In my professional career I was able to balance my personal and professional parts of my life – I made that my highest priority. It did not yield me the potential success professionally that I could have reached, but at night I slept better than most. I also benefited in my career in seeing a large part of the world. My work brought me to many parts of Asia and Europe. It opened my eye to how ridiculously spoiled the U.S. lifestyle is. I would return home and marvel at the disproportional amount of resources that I had. My lifestyle in some parts of the world reflect a lifestyle of a King – big house filled with food, fancy cars, many pets, limitless in many abilities to comfortably life way beyond my means. And I thank you…
Last and most importantly I have an incredible wife and kids. They all are blessed with good health, attractiveness, and plenty of smarts. One could not ask for more, yet there are times when the anger, greed and folly get the best of me. I have met and learned that temptation is far stronger than my will so I try not to invite this demon into my life too often because I know the outcome. All in all the point of this brief note is to say thank you life for so many riches. And I thank you…

Suicide

Greg H Boe, a very close friend of mine, who took his life last year. He planned his suicide. He moved out of his apartment, put all of his belonging in storage, made requests for this final arrangements - which were to have none, and drove to a park and hung himself.

I know Greg was to know a funny, charming, smart and successful person. He did not show signs of depression. At the time he was unemployed for a couple of years. He also went through a divorce five years earlier that haunted him. Challenges - yes, terrible circumstances - not in my opinion. But my opinion, or anyone else, really did not matter. It was his opinion that mattered, his emotions that he took with him. There are no answers for a friend who learns about such an event. It is a shock with no answers.

I remind myself that life is for the living. It is in constant motion and change. There are no answers, only opinions. I will keep a smile on my face and remember my good friend for all of the wonderful times we spent together.

Major Fall - lose of a dear friend

I plan to use this site to document some of the challenges that I have faced in my life. This one was the lose of my first (former - divorced at the time) wife to cancer. Death is permanent, no changing anything. All of you thoughts, words, experiences are locked forever when someone you know passes on. You can not change the past, only think about it. It is the only reminder to keep you in the present and to take care of the people you love most. There are no second chances with death, so I do my best every day to remember that fact and treat the ones I love as best as I can.

Sorry you are gone Kelly, you are missed.